Funny Quotes

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'.
Woody Allen

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
Ronald Knox

A hard man is good to find.
Mae West

A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.
Mae West

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man in the house is worth two in the street.
Mae West

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Groucho Marx

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.
Sam Goldwyn

A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
W.C. Fields

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
Rudyard Kipling

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
Dilbert

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
George Burns

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.
Homer Simpson

Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.
Homer Simpson

All animals are equal but some are more equal than others.
George Orwell

All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
Alexander Woollcott

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
Oscar Wilde

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
Mark Twain

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.
Winston Churchill

Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Mark Twain

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.
Mae West

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Woody Allen

Another such victory, and we are undone.
Pyrrhus

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
Mae West

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.
Oliver Goldsmith

Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
David Brent

Bart, stop pestering Satan!
Marge Simpson

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Homer Simpson

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.
Desmond Morris

But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.
George Bernard Shaw

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates